Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize