How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
