so that wasnt chicken after all
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
