How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Houston, we have a blender
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
