Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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