Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
