my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
