I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This is my gift to your gina
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
