i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
