fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
