I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
