I could have mohawked her pubes.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
