I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
