So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
