I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
birth control should be required to get into college
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
