I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
