She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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