I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
