He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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