Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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