Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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