apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
