Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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