And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
