Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
