He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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