The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
