So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
