Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
