so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
