No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
