That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
