Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
