I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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