If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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