What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
