Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
