sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
