I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
