I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
