Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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