you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
