After last night, I could never be a politician.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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