My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
