walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
A bitchslap is in order.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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