My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
