drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
