not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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