Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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