just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
