she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
