Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
