guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
