When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
