my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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