theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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