The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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