Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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