I accidentally had phone sex last night
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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